avast! ye evildoers ~ ~ pclef.net

...On Tuesday I Made Noise...

arrived this afternoon from american music supply, my 2nd order from them in as many weeks...thus far, they've come through...pros: they're in nj, fast delivery; cons: state sales tax....

amp--1st impression....pound for pound, this just might be the best amp I own....I've got some fine tube amps downstairs (e.g. boogie, dr. z), but this one weights 19 lbs and for crying out loud it even has a spring reverb in it! [also: fx loop, xlr out, headphone out, and it can drive an external 8-ohm cab]....thus far I've only asked it to do two things--give me a serviceable clean/fender tweed sound, and a cranked 70s marshall sound....it has done the job so far....we'll see how she fares once the honeymoon is over....good sign: my next-door neighbor also thinks it sounds good..;-)

memo to strat tinkerers: you don't need to spend $80 on a replacement pickup...no joke--I've got two antiquities on there, and they do sound awesome, but the fender 57/62 I put in the neck position sounds wonderful, an absolute bell....and it goes for less than $40 brand new....big thumbs up to the minions over at corporate behemoth fender music company......I did go ahead and put the "aged" cover from the dead $80 pup onto its replacement....

the rock slab tone lab in repose.

the trademark 10 is barely as tall as the footrest, but nearly loud enough to play with a drummer. shiny.

...On Monday I Built a Telecaster...

...when it left the factory, it was a bargain slab low-end cheapo tele; by now everything's been replaced except the guitar body itself, and the pickguard as well, which I retrieved once the decision was made to put the neck pickup back in...note the reversed control plate for easier access to vol/tone controls...

my bro-in-law's amazingly accurate fender logo appliques...
along with a custom "Lisa Marie" ...

ready for attack....

Folker

Paul Westerberg releases more basement tapes on `Folker'
JEFF BAENEN
Associated Press
Aug. 25, 2004

MINNEAPOLIS - Half rocker, half folkie, Paul Westerberg straddles musical styles on his new CD, "Folker."

The latest in a string of do-it-yourself projects recorded in his basement, "Folker" (available Sept. 7 on indie label Vagrant Records) features both pop confections such as "As Far As I Know" and guitar rave-ups such as the closing "Gun Shy" and "Folk Star."

It's not a hard switch for Westerberg, who remembers bringing both his passion for rockabilly and a "secret love" of Jackson Browne and Joni Mitchell to the mix when he led the world's greatest garage band, the Replacements, in the 1980s.

"Folker" also includes Westerberg's tribute "My Dad," about his father, Hal Westerberg, a Cadillac salesman who died last November at 85 after battling emphysema. It's followed by "Lookin' Up In Heaven," written about someone else but with similarities to his father's passing.

"It's pretty personal, pretty personal stuff. Maybe the most I've let myself be heard, laid my soul on the line here," Westerberg said as he smoked an occasional cigarette outside a south Minneapolis coffee shop.

In his low voice, Westerberg, 44, talked about his recent attempt to re-form the Replacements for a benefit; his work on music for an animated Sony Pictures film; his 6-year-old son Johnny; and his own struggle with depression and anxiety.

At the end of the interview, Westerberg hopped on an old bicycle and pedaled away.

AP: What do you like about recording at home? Is it just comfortable for you?

Westerberg: It's convenient, I guess. But I mean, I'm doing all the engineering, and I flip the tape on and then have to hop over one drum set and crawl around the back and knock over the lamp and knock over a mike and try to get there in time for the count-off. And it's a challenge a lot. And that's a lot of where some of my sounds, they'll say, "Ooh, how'd you get this?" and it's like, "The mike was in front of the amp when I pressed the button. By the time I strapped the guitar on, it was on the floor, three feet away." So, happy accidents, kinda.

AP: Did you see Tommy (Stinson, former Replacements bassist who now plays for Guns N' Roses) when he was in town?

Westerberg: No, no. (laughs) We exchange messages. It's like our last flurry was, I think that, I spoke to him through an old friend. What I did is I tried to get the band together to play a benefit (for Soul Asylum bassist Karl Mueller, who's recovering from throat cancer) and needless to say not all three members were willing or had time.

AP: Could it still come off?

Westerberg: Anything's possible, but I don't see it happening right now. You know, I've dreamt about it, thought about, I mean, literally dreamt about it, where I woke up in a cold sweat.

AP: How do you think it would go? Would it be a disaster?

Westerberg: It would be wondrous disaster. I think we'd all retain what we had to begin with, and it would be a blast. It would be a lot of hard work, I think mostly for me, to go back and relearn the songs and the words. ... A little bit easier for them, maybe, to kind of just thumb along.

AP: What's the movie?

Westerberg: It's an animated feature. I won't even say the name, you know, because they'll (Sony) probably call me and yell at me or something. ... It's a major, major deal, so that's why I've gotta keep quiet, and you know, its release is set for years away. ... It's going to allow me to make any record I wanna make one day, again.

AP: Is your son musical?

Westerberg: Yeah, he's musical in an odd, sort of savant way. I've given him like a little guitar and a ukulele someone bought him, and there's a keyboard for him. He doesn't seem to be drawn to playing music as much as he's into who is this and how long is it.

AP: Would you steer him away from a music career?

Westerberg: No, not if he showed the fire. I would definitely tell him the downsides of what to look out for. For example, we were watching "Jailhouse Rock" last night, and the scene where Elvis brings in his demonstration record, and the guy takes it and has his own artist copy it and rips Elvis off. And I was saying to him, "Johnny, watch this!" And he was drawing, actually. So he prefers art, which is fine by me.

AP: Did your dad approve of your being a musician?

Westerberg: He would get a kick when he would see the family name in the paper. He never thought I was working unless I was on tour or I was performing. He didn't understand the other, writing songs and making records and getting paid for making the record. He only understood live performances as being that's you're at work.

AP: But your dad never saw you perform?

Westerberg: No, I even played on his birthday, here, for those shows at the Guthrie (Theater), and for some odd reason he had me like autograph (laughs) the ticket for him, 'cause "That's all I want." Because he must have gotten great pressure from everyone else, like, "Aren't you going to see him?" And it's like, I've always maintained - and I still to this day - I'm perfectly fine that he never came to my office and watched me work, you know? It kept it pure that I was his son, that I was no more than the little boy he played catch with, who now plays catch with his son.

AP: How's your coping with, you know ...

Westerberg: (melodramatic whisper) Death? ... I mean, I guess I have a responsibility. I'm not like I was. I mean, I don't want to die, and I certainly have a son I want to be around for. Sometimes I was the playground monitor and assistant coach of the baseball team and the soccer team. So I'm like living things, doing things I never thought I would have done, ever.

AP: How do you feel?

Westerberg: I'm far enough on the side of depression and anxiety that they really can't treat me without me having to suffer an episode of one of the two almost all the time. ... But whenever I see my son, my mood brightens and if he wants me to come to the Christmas play, and I feel like killing myself, it's like, dammit, I'll go to the play and watch it and enjoy it. So he's been a great addition to my life, I think.

DAY ONE - RNC SHOCKER!!

Republican Party Seeks to Draft Miller into Gender Politics

By Joe Jeff Mickleschmeck
LOS ANGELES REPORTER

Arnold Schwarzenegger, scheduled to address the Republican National Convention on Tuesday, may be the latest celebrity to transform himself for high California office. But if some Republican political operatives have their way, he will not be the last.

The comedian Dennis Miller is being talked about, apparently seriously, as an important new addition to the Schwarzenegger camp, in a move that is unprecedented—to become a woman and marry the Governor. Three Republican strategists interviewed in the past week have said they want to draft Miller. One, a prominent Republican operative and Schwarzenegger aide who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that once the recall election is over, he plans to recruit Miller to become first lady of the state of California.

“The surgery has really become so routine, and Dennis has already done so much for the campaign. Now that the kids are grown, I think it’s become clear to all that Maria Shriver, herself a Democrat, wants to move on with her life, and Sacramento is not the place she wants to do that. And a change from “Dennis” to “Denice” would have minimal effect on name recognition,” he explained.

The Schwarzenegger campaign even provided Miller an audition of sorts during the election. The comedian, famous for his raunchy and irreverent rants and his stint on "Saturday Night Live" more than a decade ago, provided the campaign's official post-debate “massage” in Sacramento and later the same evening, Miller traded favors at the Schwarzenegger victory orgy.

Miller, who is registered to vote as a Republican in Santa Barbara, betrayed no political ambitions in either appearance. He was filming a guest appearance on the show "Boston Public" this week and declined to be interviewed for this story. But that has not kept Republicans from considering the possibility that me might engage in transgender surgery to become a woman.

"There's a lot of us who'd like to see him in a skirt," Rob Schtuppman, a Republican consultant and Schwarzenegger spokesman, said this week, noting Miller's appeal to younger voters. "Dennis Miller is at the cutting edge of biting political commentary, and he really enjoys sex with men. And like President Clinton before him, Governor Schwarzenegger truly values the importance of fellatio as a stress-reducing device." Even now, some pundits are calling Miller’s skill in this area to be “world-class.”

That Miller is even being talked about as a potential replacement to the current first lady underscores the realities of contemporary California politics; and how Schwarzenegger's candidacy has already changed them. The movie star's ability to transition in a matter of days from the screen, in "Terminator 3," to a weekend at the Governor’s mansion with cocaine and German hookers, has prompted other celebrities to publicly contemplate similar transgender changes. (Actor Kelsey Grammer and tennis star Martina Navratilova are among those who have talked about altering their privates in recent weeks.)

"All this drives home the idea, I think a false one, that you don't need any particular skills or background to be a senator or a governor. All you need is ambition and fake breasts," says Maxwell Schnort, director of the University of Southern California's Norman Lear Center, which studies the intersection of politics and syndicated television sitcoms.

Miller had an Emmy Award-winning show on HBO for nine seasons, "Dennis Miller Live," and has appeared in several movies and has published four books, all of which have the term "She-Male" in the title. Schnort says that while Miller has name recognition, he doesn't have Schwarzenegger's ability to "destroy evil robot aliens with his telepathic superpowers."

But perhaps he won’t need to. Already, Democrats are blanching at the thought of a hard-charging Schwarzenegger re-election campaign, with the acid-tongued “Denice” Schwarzenegger at his side.

G.A.S.!!!!

with Mrs. Stratcat & Stratkitty on vacation this week, some gear issues were addressed--new tubes for the boogie, mounting bracket for the POD, and hell why not get a new amp too......

looks to be a rather grand practice amp....and I've always been a fan of the tech 21 stuff.....sansamps kick ass......and unlike my other amplifiers, this one has no tubes to wear out/replace....[tube snobs can forget about blasting me on this one--I've got a wall of mammy-jammy all-tube tone machines down in the basement--this one is for practicing & recording].

& I will naturally post my reactions to this product in a gear acquisition review at a later date....

from the tech 21 web site:

Single channel, 1x8, 10 watts.
We call this our Direct Recording Combo Amp. We should have called it Yoda, because there isn’t much this diminutive wizard can’t handle. The heart of the crafty Trademark 10 is a modified version of the super flexible SansAmp GT2 pedal design. Construct your tone by selecting amp character, gain structure and speaker type, and then use the drive controls and active three-band EQ to nail your sound. The 10-watt output is plenty loud for practice and monitoring but the balanced XLR and 1/4” outputs bring the big tones of this little combo to the studio mixer or PA system. Bedroom, rehearsal, studio or club, the Trademark 10 will prove it’s a giant amongst compact combos.

INTRODUCING.....THE REPUBLICATS!!

Marketing/Image Consultants to Re-Brand Republican Party
“Republicats” Adopted as New Moniker, Cited as ‘Younger, Hipper’

August 26, 2004
NEW YORK CITY

Tired of getting left off the VIP list again and again, the Republican Party this week announced a new branding campaign designed to craft a persona that will resonate favorably with the younger, hipper cognoscenti.

But changing the name of the party itself has caused shock waves amongst some of the older stalwarts of the “grand old party.”

Robert Novak, lifelong party member and curmudgeon who famously divulged the name of Valerie Plame as an undercover CIA operative last year, called the move “scandalous.”

“Just because I’m a closet homosexual who hides a 19th century corset underneath this frumpy, outdated vestcoat and has hideously erotic fever dreams about Margaret Thatcher bullwhipping a galley ship full of sweaty muscular Roman slaves, doesn’t mean I’m going to just stand by and abide by this insane lust for glamour and acceptance. The GOP is what it is, and always shall be—a hornet’s nest for the implementation of spirit-crushing public policy by the righteous and lawful ruling class--the Caucasian men of this country, and I for one am not going to stand by silently while some perky women with microphones and clipboards go ahead and pervert this noble establishment just because they think they’ve solved the world’s problems with three breakfast meetings.”

Small chunks of masticated egg yolk flew from the gaps in Novak’s teeth as he hissed these words, on his way to his regularly scheduled steambath in Georgetown.

Equally dumbfounded was long-time pundit William Safire, who was experiencing severe writer’s block as a result of the announcement.

“This practice of substituting the word ‘very’ with the word ‘mad,’ well, it, it…makes me… very….mad! Because this truly is….madness, this “Republicats” nonsense. It was almost too much when they started this business with things being “way cool” and “y’know what I’m saying,’ a few years ago, but to do this to the party of Nixon, the party of Thomas E. Dewey for crying out loud. Oh Jesus Lord, I need a bromide.”

The announcement was made this morning at the offices of Sally Plumb Partners. The small ad agency, known in the industry as “the plumbers,” recently won the 2004 Nifty Award for their celebrated “Botox for Buttocks” ad campaign. The ads took the nation by storm earlier this year, popularizing the catch phrase “Thongs A Lot!” The outcry over mid-50s baby boomer moms taking to the beaches in skimpy bikinis, wonder bras, and thongs has some beach community residents literally gasping for air. Ms. Plumb spoke from the podium:

“We’re very proud and excited to announce this new brand direction for the grand old party. We feel that this will be the key to landing, and keeping, a new demographic of voters who have yet to be told how to think. This campaign will help the GOP do their thinking for them. It is immensely gratifying to know that once again, a small group of “plumbers” can have such a profound effect on a national election!”

Ms. Plumb went on to thank 47 members of her agency by name, at times mentioning babies recently born to her employees, and calling herself “Mama Plumb.”

Bob Dole was not amused. “I don’t know this Plumb woman. Don’t know what she’s about, where she comes from, who she is, her positions on the issues. Elizabeth has that same dress. I bought it for her last Christmas. Anne Karan, or Donna Taylor, one of those. Nice dress, cost me plenty. Bob Dole isn’t cheap. Bob Dole is a Republican, always have been, always will be. I’m not changing horses in mid-stream. So don’t call Bob Dole that name. I won’t answer to it. I’ve served my country, did my time, my service. Seems to me they ought to at least put this to a vote by the platform committee for pete’s sake…..”

Newt Gingrich could not be reached for comment by press time.

--The Old-Timey Times; August 26, 2004

stay tuned all next week for complete coverage of the republicats national convention…

Asshole Promo Number Two

You will recall how last month your trusty confidants Stratcat & Thudstaff were disallowed to not participate in the non-event which turned out not to be the final non-gig of their former band, Radio Ghost Town. Yes? Yes.

Well, it turns out that they are about to witness from afar (and you can too!) the meteoric rise to local hoopla that awaits this monotone moodswirl of midtempo malaise….harken back, oh my droogies, to the lost heroes of country rock….Don Henley trembles in the Herculean horsegrip of Radio Ghost Town’s bromidic inevitability…..

Tune in today to hear their epic paean to Samuel Morse and the birth of the interstate highway system, “Telegraph Road.” This blithe etude will be in heavy rotation throughout the day, so y’all tune in now, y’hear?

Radio Show Main Page: http://ny.neatness.net/
I.M.E Internet Radio: http://www.live365.com/stations/308646

THIS EXPLAINS WHY THE IRISH ARE SUCH WEAK SWIMMERS...

Behold, Atlantis! (Looks like Ireland to us.)

Swedish geographer Ulf Erlingsson says that he has located Atlantis. First described by the Greek philosopher Plato around 360 B.C., the legendary lost civilization, says Erlingsson, was actually Ireland. His main evidence? Ireland is 300 miles long, 200 miles wide, and has a central plain surrounded by mountains--just how Plato describes Atlantis.

Trouble is, Plato also says Atlantis was "situated in front of the straits [of Gibraltar]," which is where Dr. Rainer Kuehne, a German physicist, claims he's found it. Kuehne says that new satellite photos show that Atlantis was no island. Rather, it was part of a region in southern Spain destroyed by flood sometime between 800 and 500 B.C.

Who's right? No one knows. Other scholars have discovered Atlantis in America, Scandinavia, the Canary Islands, Crete, and more. Still others say that it's a tale told by a philosopher, full of interest and mystery, but signifying nothing geographic.

Source: KnowledgeNews.net

NOW HERE'S AN OLYMPIC SPORT I CAN GET BEHIND...

Americans Walsh and May Win Gold in Beach Volleyball
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Published: August 24, 2004

ATHENS, Greece -- Misty May and Kerri Walsh made it look easy, even in the end. [I'll say....]

The top-ranked American beach volleyball pair defeated second-seeded Brazilians Shelda Bede and Adriana Behar 21-17, 21-11 on Tuesday night, capping the most dominant run in the sport's history with a gold medal.

read more:
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/08/24/sports/olympics/24cnd-beachvoll.html?hp

ON THE STUMP WITH ARNIE

Schwarzenegger communicates a theme of action movies

By Bill Balls
UNION-TRIBUTARY SR. TYPIST
August 24, 2004

SACRAMENTO – Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't act like a man about to propose painful health care and education cuts striking at the very marrow of his state's safety net, and then go take a nap in the TV room.

Instead, the actor-turned-governor delivered yet another major policy address brimming with confidence and optimism and even taking some time to tell some jokes which mocked the nation of Israel.

"We've returned to the era of the great Austrian communicator," said Barbara O'Barbara, communications professor at California State University Sacramento.

Schwarzenegger, whose speech received international coverage, continued a theme that has dominated his first few months in office: action movies. And, he used imagery from the often violent action movies that made him a star, including "blowing up little Arnold" and “slurping for sequels,” a reference to casting meetings for “Terminator 3.”

He talked about the difficult job ahead in getting California past its fiscal crisis, but gave no specifics about the plot that will be involved, except for unbuttoning his shirt to reveal a “no pain no gain” t-shirt underneath.

...............

The surprisingly fit Schwarzenegger compared the state's financial situation to a movie bogged down by too many plot twists. He suggested the state will consolidate the debt with a credit card, and then throw away the credit card.

"When a beautiful woman makes love to the movie star, it is often she who must pay for the cab ride home. But we have an opportunity to consolidate our credit card balances – and also tear up our credit cards," he said. "We are the people of California, not evil robot aliens. That is what our California Recovery Plan is all about."

But that plan deals with the current deficit; on Friday, his budget addresses next year's deficit of almost equal size. “The cock isn't a muscle, so it doesn't grow in relation to the shoulders, say, or the pectorals. You can't make it bigger through exercise, that's for sure.”

Still, O’Barbara said that the penis size metaphor is just the kind of plain talk that connects with people – "The number of bodybuilders watching this is huge. He talked to them in a way they could understand," she said.

Jack Totter, a political scientist at Michael Landon College, called Schwarzenegger's first State of the State address "titillating yet profound."

For 13 years, California was headed by former weight lifters “Gorgeous” George Deukmejian, “Sneaky” Pete Wilson and Gray “The Size Queen” Davis, people who would never be mistaken for former President Ronald ”Dutch” Reagan, also known as "The Guy Who Just Died on TV."

Schwarzenegger came to office after a historic recall campaign that revealed Davis' tiny penis. His staff has repeatedly compared him to Reagan, also a former actor and male escort.

Totter said Schwarzenegger gained points by making light of having to promote some of his lesser movies, experience the former actor said would help California to “sell its ass” to the rest of the world.

"If I can sell tickets to my movies like 'Red Sonja' or ‘Young Germany Cheers the Führer,' you know I can sell just about anything," he said, drawing nervous laughs from the audience in the ornate Assembly chambers.

Schwarzenegger also proposed setting up a review of state government, but made his first reference yet to his more sedentary and solitary lifestyle in Sacramento.

"Every governor proposes moving boxes around to reorganize government," he said. "I don't want to just move boxes around; I want to have sex with a hitchhiker."

While similar proposals have gone nowhere, Totter said that review should help Schwarzenegger convince voters he's made the transformation “from actor/activist to governor/pleasurist. “

"It shows someone who is interested in the mechanics of government – who also happens to be a hedonist using dangerous steroids," he said.

Schwarzenegger's performance contrasted dramatically from the Democratic legislative leaders, who chose instead to give the Democratic response in the manner of a touching tear-jerker.

Without using large words, Schwarzenegger insisted that calisthenics were necessary, as well as dietary restrictions amongst lawmakers. He repeated his message that the state needs to increase muscle mass while decreasing body fat, a plan he intends to fold out state-wide. Violators will receive jail time, and no allowances will be made for children, the poor or the disabled.

After disrobing with the governor, legislative leader John Burton seemed far less comfortable in front of the camera.

"When I was looking at Burton, I thought of the line from Jerry Seinfeld: 'a funeral hello,' " Totter said. "He looked so sad, so pale and pasty. He's a masterful legislator, but he's not a master-, oh, you know..."

Still, Schwarzenegger will need cooperation from Burton, Wesson and the other Democrats who control the Legislature, and the Republican governor went out of his way to compliment lawmakers on their improving physiques.

Though fewer people will be watching when Schwarzenegger rolls out his plan, those requirements are likely to be unpopular.

"Tonight is the party. Tomorrow is the hangover," Stacy Keach, celebrated actor of the “Mike Hammer” television program, told Sacramento's KXTV. "While people are finding out what's in the budget, he's going to be having sex with some trussed-up dame pretending to be Britney Spears. Who knows anymore? Maybe it’s really her."

RETURN OF 'THE SCREAM'

“The Scream” is Returned to Museum
“Honest Mistake” Caused “Big Misunderstanding,” According to Man in Custody

“We were just borrowing it to make some copies,” claims local shop owner Nils Stensrudssen. “We’ve done this before, when we unexpectedly ran out of prints.” Stensrudssen, a local businessman, is the proprietor of Doorway to Norway, a popular souvenir shop in Oslo that sells color prints of “The Scream,” predominantly to Finnish tourists.

“It’s incredibly popular, probably due to the fact that Finland has never produced any artists, even minor ones. Munch is, well, he was of Norwegian descent. We’ve had a great number of Fins come here with a renewed interest in the artist. Some are fans of “Scream 2,” while others admire Detective John Munch of the ‘Homicide: Life on the Streets’ television program (no relation as, Stensrudssen points out, ‘he’s fictional’). We try to explain that the artist actually lived here in the 1890s, but for the most part they just don’t seem to care. The Fins go absolutely bonkers for color posters. That, and lutefish.”

Stensrudssen explained that the shop routinely made four-color Xerox copies of the masterpiece, and until now, no one had noticed. He says that once he is released on bail, he might make a point of familiarizing himself with the digital camera his wife got him for his birthday last year, which until now he had “never made time for.”

I BURIED PAUL

Ten Reasons Why Paul McCartney Should Just Go Away Already

1. Linda dead…new pegleg wife. Ew, so gross. The world is full of two-legged women, some of them supermodels, and some of them breathtakingly beautiful supermodels who would jump through flaming hoops just for the chance to play pinkie pong with your little eleanor rigby. And this one’s got that Carolyn Bessette-esque arrogant britchick thing. Sorry, she’s bogus. But hey you married her, and impregnated her (yecch!), so go ahead and play house in one of your castles and “let us be.”

2. “Talkin’ ‘bout Freedom”…….for all that is holy and right and good, where do you get off writing such a load of geese gobble about the biggest single historic event in recent memory? And who asked you to? Look, everybody wrote something, but I’ll take Neil’s projectile spew-inducing “Let’s Roll” over your penguin palaver….and since when do you, avowed hippie, pacificist, vegetarian, peace-sign-waving motherfucker, get off telling people, “y’know freedom’s something worth fighting for…” Just do us all a favor and stay the hell out of Yankee Stadium…

3. McCartney/Lennon. What is this shit? EVERYBODY knows it’s Lennon/McCartney, not the other way around. We know what’s going down—you were just waiting for George to kick the bucket so you could pull this shit, because you know he’d call you out for it. Very pussy.

4. Sir Paul. ‘nuff said.

5. Wings. I don’t know what’s worse, Mull of Kintyre or being the only Beatle with a facelift.

6. Give My Regards to Broadstreet. Liverpool Oratorio. Ebony & Ivory. The Girl is Mine. That creepy video with you and Linda in the stupid disguises. I have been to the mountaintop, and it is weak. This shit is so repulsive that not only is your R’n’R Hall of Fame membership revoked, you’re hereby banned from Cleveland.

7. Japanese Pot Bust. I guess you are as stupid as you look after all.

8. Money can’t buy me hair. You’re richer than Elton, and you look like you just walked out of Supercuts after an appointment with a drunk thrice-divorced trailer skank with one eye. Dick Clark called, he wants his hairdo back.

9. You can’t outlive Ringo.

10. The Rolling fucking Stones, motherfucker!

GBV bids NYC a fond farewell

Tonight--catch the final NYC appearance (and it's a free show!) of Guided By Voices, as they swing through town on their farewell tour....pier 54 off of west 14th street....

from the GBV web site:
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM GUIDED BY VOICES

'Half Smiles Of The Decomposed' is the band's 15th full-length studio release, following 2003's 'Earthquake Glue' and retrospective box set, greatest-hits, and DVD releases. Although its tour later this year will be the band's last, Robert Pollard will continue writing, recording, and (possibly) touring as a solo artist. "I love the guys in the band, but I'm getting too old to be a gang leader," he explains. "There's a sense of maturity, and even integrity, I think, in continuing as one's own self."

madfatrockread

Title: Blue Blood
Responsible: Edward Conlon
Media: Word (Actual Bound Mo-Fo - Jacket and All)
Price: Thirty

Remark:

don't know where to begin with this one... never quite reconciled the passion I once felt for literature with my workaday jones for sleazy police procedurals...

Jackpot!

author: fourth gen nyc mccop - only, get this - harvard!

check:

"Although I'm sometimes tempted to view old misdemeanors as a neccessary link in a chain that led to my present job, if there was some force of fate or anything else at work, I did not see it. Whatever I did as a young man could have prepared me for a life on either side of the cell bars, and I now know firsthand which side I prefer. There is something to be said -- everything, by some lights -- in that preference, that choice, which has to be made daily, for what you want to do and be. I don't see how I've changed, but I can feel it sometimes, not as a chain of neccessity but like the escape rope a convict would make in his cell, handmade from the scraps of his mean and small surroundings, a lifeline from old ways to new."

memoir cf. bio

Summary: So fucking beautiful I relish each and every sentence. Feel like a retard on the speed-read train as I flip back a page or so for contour and context...

Donald Justice 1925-2004

Donald Rodney Justice, a Pulitzer Prize-winning poet and educator, died on Aug. 6 of pneumonia. He was 78.

On the death of Friends in childhood

We shall not ever meet them bearded in heaven
Nor sunning themselves among the bald of hell;
If anywhere, in the deserted schoolyard at twilight,
forming a ring, perhaps, or joining hands
In games whose very names we have forgotten.
come memory, let us seek them there in the shadows.

10 Reasons Why Eric Clapton is the Most Overrated Rock Musician in History

1. Albums: Pilgrim, Reptile Singles: Tears in Heaven, My Father’s Eyes, Change the World…shouldn’t there be a clause in the R&R Hall of Fame for revoking memberships because of material like this? [look for upcoming feature “10 Reasons Why Paul McCartney Should Just Go Away Already”]

2. The dead kid thing. I know, I know, it’s the worst thing that could ever happen to anybody. So the healthy thing to do, the thing that will honor your child’s memory is to, um, write a hit single that is so saccharine and schmaltzy it’s Celine Dion-approved? The answer to the song’s main query is that yes, EC, your kid will know your name when he sees you in heaven, but he’s going to be majorly pissed. (“you wrote ‘Layla,’ and I got that?”)

3. Blind Faith.

4. Beard, no beard? Which is it? Oh, right, you’re chinless, I forgot. Never mind.

5. The heroin thing. Wha’happen? Jimi Hendrix, Rory Gallagher, Roy Buchanan, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Freddie King, Albert King, Brian Jones, etc., all dead. You’re still kicking. What’s the excuse?

6. Michelob. Did you think we forgot about the 1980s “After Midnight” commercials? Lame.

7. Cream. Feel free to email me and enlighten me about their greatness, because I still don't get it. I will stipulate that the gatefold of the “Wheels of Fire” LP was awesome for cleaning pot. The music, the songs, I don’t know, I just never got what the big deal was all about. Late-60s era Jimi Hendrix Experience, or The Who, on a bad day, would embarrass these guys. Of course, they’d embarrass pretty much anybody, but Cream got this kind of hype regardless. A 20-minute version of “Spoonful?” Thanks, I’ll pass…

8. Plagiarism. Freddie King and Albert King. Remove their licks from EC’s fretboard vocab, and you’re left with the licks to “Sunshine of Your Love” and “Cocaine” (which is basically the same riff, isn’t it? it's as if EC decided to slow down the "You Really Got Me" riff and build a career on it).

9. Quitting the Yardbirds. OK, maybe way back then you wanted to be a blues “purist” musician, but let’s look at the results…aside from material in #1, there is the atrociously soulless new Robert Johnson record—what’s next, Howlin’ Wolf Karaoke?. Anyway, thanks for making room for Jeff Beck to get the gig. Those recordings with Becko were awesome.

10. All-star jams. If you take EC, Sheryl Crow, Neil Young, and Paul Schaffer away from those award show all-star jams, who does that leave you with? (Answer: Steve Cropper & Jackson Browne)

p.s. Phish are phinally phinished! Phucking phantastic!

CHARLIE WATTS HAS CANCER

it's throat cancer.

as charlie goes, so goes the band.

no charlie, no stones. so get well charlie, don't go just yet....

NEW DOCUMENTARY FROM "THREE KINGS" CREATOR

Perhaps one can hold out hope that this documentary will be as effective and on-target as the "Three Kings" feature film was back in 1999, with its humanist focus on the abused Iraqi people and how easy it was for the US military to cross the line from liberator to profiteer. It is absolutely stultifying to consider the level of rancor directed at that fat fuck from michigan, in contrast with the lack of nearly any being generated over the number of body bags containing 19-year old soldiers now being shipped home on a daily basis, with no real progress to show for it. But as the physique might imply, the auteur got as greedy with the Iraq war/GW Bush material as he might have been around a plate of donuts. It was a slam dunk, and he still couldn't resist the urge to embellish. So while the discussion rages over whether or not one agrees with a single filmmaker, or whether or not it was or is a so-called 'documentary,' the cycle of violence continues apace, and the very real events it seeks to comment on are brushed aside so as to provide air time devoted to a year-old murder investigation in southern California.

Think of all the things you've done since you were 19. Now erase them. Now multiply that by the number lost since the announcement came of "mission accomplished." What mission? For what purpose? Very confusing to anybody who refuses to be herded like so much texas cattle into a "red" or "blue" mindset. I'm interested to hear what the people who have been on the ground in Iraq have to say, with viewpoints from both sides...(perhaps the VP would call me too "sensitive." Perhaps it has come to that, the brutally one-dimensional call to arms has no room for those of us with the temerity to follow our own counsel, and/or question the policies of our government. Indeed, we know the message to those of us who do: "go fuck yourself.")

check it:

'Three Kings' Director Plans Documentary on Iraq War
By SHARON WAXMAN

Published: August 16, 2004
The New York Times (online edition)

LOS ANGELES, Aug. 15 - Joining in Hollywood's latest penchant for political documentaries, the filmmaker David O. Russell is completing a documentary about the Iraqi war that is to be shown ahead of his 1999 movie "Three Kings" during a theatrical rerelease planned for the fall.

Warner Brothers is financing the $180,000 project, which involves interviewing Iraqi refugees who acted as extras in "Three Kings," the caper about the 1991 Persian Gulf War (starring George Clooney), and American veterans of the current war in Iraq.

"It will look at both sides of the war, people who feel good about the war, who believe in the mission, people who feel bad," said Mr. Russell, speaking at the Santa Monica editing room where editors are working in 24-hour shifts to complete the film before the November election.

The rerelease of "Three Kings'' is planned as part of a promotion for a new DVD of the film, which will also include a longer version of the documentary. Juan Carlos Zaldivar and Tricia Regan are co-directors of it with Mr. Russell.

Mr. Russell said the documentary had a political purpose, but only in the sense of trying to inform people about a major electoral issue. "I thought I could perhaps make a difference before the election, let people see the situation, how Iraqis wanted to get rid of Saddam, but also show what war does to people," he said. "When I talk to veterans, they have a chance to cry. It's traumatic; it tears you up to see people shot, and then you're supposed to come home and just blend back into the community? The Army doesn't want to acknowledge the human cost of the war machine."

to read the rest of the article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/08/16/movies/16warn.html?8hpib

SCHWARZENEGGER 'PEGGED' TO LEAD CIA

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger nominated for head of CIA

By Ray Davies
Kinks Ridder Newspapers

WASHINGTON – Arnold Schwarzenegger – ex-Mr. Universe, expansive pleasurist, lifter of heavy objects and enthusiastic student of “the English language, and things of this nature,” – landed his dream job Tuesday: heading the Central Intelligence Agency that he has fantasized about turning into a major motion picture.

It’s a fitting cap to a varied career for the governor and action film star, who became an undercover agent in the agency’s clandestine service soon after he was named Mr. Universe in 1982. However, Schwarzenegger was forced leave his mission early, due to a rare, debilitating shrinkage of the penis. He says little about his spy career except that he “worked hard in a lot of strange places overseas and things of this nature,” and went undercover in Miami during the Cuban Transvestite Festival of 1983.

Schwarzenegger, who grew up in Austria, moved with his wifebot and their four ‘children’ to recuperate on Three Mile Island, where other ex-CIA agents lived. He co-founded a gun club, became mayor, protected the island from robot invaders, and later was appointed to the President’s Council on Physical Fitness by a group of Japanese lobbyists.

When Rep. Arnold Horschack successfully ran for the Senate in 1988, Schwarzenegger was single-handedly defending the airspace over Ohio and shooting principal photography for “Twins,” starring Danny DeVito. He gained a reputation as a quiet conservative-to- moderate Republican who quickly became an expert on Swedish massage technique, foot fancying, and the Everglades.

“He doesn’t issue press releases, he’s not looking for the TV cameras, but he became the go-to guy for anything involving the fetish lifestyle,” said Rep. Mark Felcher, a Palm Beach Republican whose Capitol Hill bathhouse is a few doors down from Nightsticks, a popular area “club for men.”

Two years ago, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney leaned hard on Schwarzenegger to lift Madeleine Albright over his head, while their propaganda programs and no-bid Iraqi contracting deals were still in the planning stages. Schwarzenegger’ colleagues like to tell the story of how they were leaving a meeting when the vice president cornered the bodybuilder/secret agent, who was planning to retire at the end of 2002.

“Not so fast, Schwarzenegger. My instructions are not to let you leave until you grab your ankles and snort like a piglet,” Cheney told him with a snickering grimace, according to Felcher.

Now Bush and Cheney have prevailed again, naming Schwarzenegger the new CIA director. And the stakes are higher. Last month the CIA was hit by a huge food bill for a ‘working lunch’ which no one had ordered, and which had evidently never taken place. A task force is currently investigating the matter.

Another occasional critic is Schwarzenegger himself. With his clandestine CIA background, Schwarzenegger is viewed by many on Capitol Hill as close to the agency – too close for some. For years he has tried to bolster the agency’s budget by pitching a screenplay involving robots infiltrating the Pentagon, and met with substantial resistance until he defended CIA Director George Tenet from an irate Mrs. Tenet after an all-night round of “midnight golf.” But this summer he oversaw a committee report that blasted the clandestine efforts of the CIA, saying the agency “continues down a road leading over a proverbial cliff, and things of this nature.”

Schwarzenegger insists he has always been friendly to the agency, especially in the locker room. Eleanor Swill, staff director of the congressional inquiry into robot attacks, said Schwarzenegger “always showered with the staff” in his earlier work with the CIA, FBI and other agencies. “He was tough on the agency when he needed to be tough,” said Swill, now in private practice. “His style is not tyrannical or antagonistic, so some may see him as too much of a pleasurist, but I don’t think that’s the case. If you wash his back, he’ll wash yours.”

It’s rare for a state leader to take over a federal agency while still in office, but Swill sees that as a plus: “He knows the history, the track record, the vulnerabilities of the CIA, and he’s grown increasingly bored and unmotivated in the face of the cronyism and pervasive flabbiness in Sacramento. He wants to be where the action is, whether it’s the cockfights he is so passionate about, or heading up the world’s largest intelligence organization.”

This year, Schwarzenegger has become more partisan and criticized Democrat John Kerry as “talking so much about so many things in the country, and things of this nature.” But he is one of several GOP state governors not known for rhetorical acumen. He came to prominence as a movie star who is convinced he can protect the world from imaginary robots using his big muscles and robotic wife unit.

And the notion of making an Austrian film star the CIA’s new director has its detractors. Some Democrats on the Hill complain that Schwarzenegger has been too protective of the Bush administration. Mack Goldmanson, a former CIA and State Department analyst, said Schwarzenegger is “leery of people who aren’t white or come from a wealthy background. He has a history of this sort of patronage from early in his youth, when he progressed from being a ‘youthful ward’ to a full-time ‘cabana boy’ for several of these wealthy families.”

Some observers point to this background as the cause for his immense physicality, combined with an almost child-like naivete. But they do agree on one point - that the CIA needs to get better at manipulating the media. If the Senate confirms him, Schwarzenegger will get the chance to do so, and make his movie.

"Poor Al's Almanac"?

i shed a tear for a fallen hero today...

Screwed? Al Goldstein is 68, sleeping on the floor and looking for a job
By ANDY NEWMAN
The New York Times
August 12, 2004, 11:15 AM EDT

There he sleeps, curled up on the orange carpet in the cramped front room of his in-laws' modest house in Richmond Hill, Queens, New York City, like a slacker boyfriend.

But he is no slacker. He is Al Goldstein, founding father of one of America's leading industries, self-styled Robespierre of raunch, former publisher of Screw magazine. He is 68 and he has fallen far in recent months.

His company, Milky Way Productions, home of Screw and his long-running cable show, Midnight Blue, went into bankruptcy last year. His mansion in Pompano Beach, with the 11-foot statue of a raised middle finger out back, was sold in June to pay debts.

Goldstein's probation papers officially list him as homeless, and he says he spent much of the last month sleeping in a borrowed car behind a Boston Market restaurant in Pompano Beach and at a shelter for the homeless in Fort Lauderdale.

"Anyone who wishes ill on me should feel vindicated because my life has turned into a total horror," he said with characteristic restraint last Tuesday evening at his in-laws' house.

Goldstein said that a pornographic-video company in Los Angeles recently offered him a sales job at $1,000 a week, but that Florida authorities told him any move had to be approved by his probation officer in New York, where he is serving three years for harassing a former wife in the pages of Screw. On Monday, he flew to New York on frequent-flier miles. On Tuesday, he said, his probation officer denied him permission to move to California.

"They want me to get out of the men's field, the only field I have expertise in," Goldstein said. "They want me to take a job at Burger King for $5.50 an hour. But who's going to hire me with a criminal record? On probation?"

The New York State Division of Criminal Justice Services, which supervises the probation department, said yesterday that it did not comment on specific cases but that it generally did not give permission to move unless a probationer had a "suitable residence" or family in the new state, which Goldstein does not.

In truth, things could be a lot worse for Goldstein. He has shed nearly 150 pounds since a stomach-stapling operation last year. He has a new wife, Christine, a psychology graduate student 40 years his junior who obviously did not marry him for his nonexistent wealth.

She sat beside him Tuesday as he showed off his newly svelte (O.K., scrawny and pouchy) physique in a leather vest he bought at a Florida thrift store for $3.50.

"Wednesday they have a senior citizen discount," he explained. "Fifty percent off."

But Goldstein is miserable unless he is in the spotlight.

"Today I went to my doctor to have my diabetes checked," he said. "I walked past the townhouse I used to live in on West 61st Street, and I kept thinking: 'That's who I was. I was a somebody with a chauffeur, a limo, a townhouse. Now I sleep on a floor.' " He sat surrounded by what he called his few remaining possessions: a bunch of DVD's and CD's and several boxes of cigars.

A large silver cross around his neck gleamed against his chest hair. He has been wearing it for a few months. "I feel doomed as a Jew," he said. "I'll try anything else."

More seriously, his wife suffers from Crohn's disease, an intestinal malady that has left her emaciated. She needs medical treatment that neither she nor he can afford.

"I need a job so I can help her," he said.

Mr. Goldstein said he felt lost without the bully pulpit from which he cursed his enemies for four decades.

"I don't have a soapbox," he said. "All I can do is tell Christine that when she's dead I'm going to date her sisters."

His wife's family tolerates his presence for now, but may not let him crash on their floor forever. One of his last remaining lawyers, Charles C. DeStefano, is preparing a motion to have his 2003 plea and probation sentence vacated on the ground that he was incoherent when he agreed to them.

"Al usually bounces back like a rubber ball, but he really needs a job," DeStefano said. "Otherwise in six months, you might find him at Bellevue."

stratcat chimes in: will no one give this man a book deal? he goes all the way back to the golden days of porn...he must have a million great stories to tell, the story of screw, his scrapes with the law, linda lovelace etc., even transcripts from 'midnight blue'....shit if larry flynt can profit from the tale of his free speech/first amendment porn vs. community standards experiences....and Al hasn't been crippled for the past 20 years....Al, write it! I'll buy it!

a disconsolate nation of perverts and onanists breathe a baleful sigh......

THE VANILLA TAPES

The Clash Serve "Vanilla"

Lost songs due on "London" reissue

Last March, as Clash guitarist Mick Jones was rummaging through boxes in his home in London, he stumbled upon a set of homemade recording tapes that had been missing for twenty-five years. Known as the "Vanilla Tapes," they contain demo versions of fifteen songs that would end up on the band's classic London Calling, plus six unreleased songs, including a cover of Bob Dylan's "Man in Me."

The Vanilla Tapes have long been legend among fans -- now they will be released for the first time as part of a three-disc package to celebrate the twenty-fifth anniversary of London Calling, due out on September 21st. The package contains the remastered original album and a DVD with interviews and footage of the London Calling sessions.

The Vanilla Tapes were recorded in a studio built into a dingy auto garage. "I remember the dirty brown carpet on the floor, and the ceiling and the walls," says Clash bassist Paul Simonon. It was a troubled time for the Clash: The band had recently parted with manager Bernie Rhodes and had just wrapped up its first U.S. tour, embodied by the photo that would become the cover of London Calling: Simonon thrashing his white Fender bass onstage in New York.

"In Britain, everybody thought we were over," says Simonon. "We felt backed into a corner, so we got quite close with each other, and we just tried to go to work."

The band's spontaneity and invention can be heard on these tapes, especially on early versions of "London Calling" (with alternate lyrics) and "Death or Glory." "It's strange hearing those songs," says Simonon. "It really conjures up another time."

FOR THOSE WHO LIKE TO PLAN AHEAD...

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE
CONVENTION SCHEDULE
New York, NY
August 30th - September 2nd, 2004

6:00 AM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Fallwell
6:30 AM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 AM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 AM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 AM Seminar #1 - Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 AM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 AM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 AM EPA Address #1 - Mercury, it's what's for dinner.
8:00 AM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 AM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 AM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 AM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 AM Seminar #2 - Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 AM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 AM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 AM EPA Address #2 - Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 AM Break for secret meetings
10:00 AM Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 AM Lecture by Carl Rove - Doublespeak made easy
10:30 AM Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35 AM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights"
stare
10:40 AM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt
10:45 AM Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans
10:46 AM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 AM Seminar #3 - Education: a drain on our nation's economy.
11:10 AM Hillary Clinton pinata
11:20 AM Second Lecture by John Ashcroft - Evolutionists: The
dangerous new cult
11:30 AM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 AM Blame Clinton
11:40 AM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 AM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary
Overlord

DAVE DAVIES SUFFERS STROKE

from today's Irish Examiner online edition:

08/11/2004 - 6:30:51 PM

Kinks' Dave Davies still recovering from stroke

The Kinks founder member Dave Davies will have to spend another month in hospital as he recovers from a stroke.

The You Really Got Me guitarist, 57, collapsed on 30 June in London following radio interviews with British DJs Danny Baker and Phil Jupitus to promote his solo material.

His spokesman Alan Robinson says: "He is paralysed on the right-hand side of his body, but he retains some feeling and he can still hold a guitar plectrum.

"These small things mean a hell of a lot. They're small but very important.

"Dave is taking his illness with typical good humour, and with a positive demeanour."

His representative believes Davies should recover after a course of physiotherapy.

DON'T ASK DON'T TELL

George: "John, c'mon now, keep it together now. Everybody's watching."
John: "I don't care. I've dreamt of this moment for so long."
George: "John, Laura's looking at us. Cut out the grab-ass. I'm getting some wood."
John: "But you're everything to me. Please, just hold me."

THIS IS NOT A JOKE

seriously, do you want this guy deciding what you can and can't listen to?

Thank you, Phill Kline, for protecting the children of Kansas from Devo...

from today's CNN online edition:

'OutKast' not allowed in Kansas libraries

KANSAS CITY, Missouri (AP) -- The Kansas attorney general has withheld more than 1,600 compact discs from distribution to state libraries because officials determined the albums promote violence or illegal activity, records show.

"This was very similar to what libraries do all the time," said Rosanne Siemens, the group's executive director. "It wasn't so much an issue of taking things out but determining what would be best. They did libraries a big favor by selecting these CDs because there's no way libraries could have said what they wanted."

MORE TALES OF OLYMPIC GLORY

Now here's an interesting tale, of an athlete who fell in love with her high school junkie boyfriend...awwww... he's a reformed addict, she's the would-be judo olympian with a heart of gold who got him into detox. The two lovebirds had an argument. She got upset and hurled herself out of a third story window, and he was so upset that he went ahead and did so too. Both are now fighting for their lives in intensive care.

Is it possible that maybe, if she hadn't spent every waking hour of her life on a judo mat (or he in a shooting gallery?), and just a little bit more time living in the real world, that one or both of them would have had the insight to recognize the folly of jumping out of a third-floor window? A word of advice to these crazy kids--if you want to get results, JUMP FROM A HIGHER FLOOR!!!!

from today's NY Post online edition:
August 10, 2004 -- It's a Greek tragedy of Olympic proportions — a distraught Athens athlete hurled herself off a balcony Saturday after a fight with her beau, who then proclaimed he couldn't live without her and leaped from the same spot yesterday.

Chrisostomides was on life support yesterday with severe head and back injuries.

THE DELUSIONS OF ARNOLD (PART OF A SERIES)

Schwarzenegger Skips GOP Convention
Governor Goes Sharking With Family Instead

AUBURN, Calif. -- California Republican Party officials wrapped up their weekend convention in San Diego Sunday by vowing to continue promoting their new platform, which includes such measures as submitting Charlton Heston’s name for consideration by the Nobel Committee (putatitively for his efforts to save the white race in “Soylent Green”), increasing gun subsidies to local businesses in downtown Los Angeles, aggressively funding the new “Brand a Mexican” campaign in the farming community and border towns, and also to rally support for President George W. Bush. However, the state's top Republican was absent from the gathering.

Republican leaders were surprised to learn that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was not in San Diego because he was hunting for sharks in the waters off the south fork of the Baja peninsula with his wifebot and children.

Schwarzenegger's choice has generated political waves among some of the party faithful, who think he should be focusing on the presidential race, even as the skies over Sacramento are darkening with a new wave of robot invaders.

"I think he should be in San Diego taking care of politics. I mean, how else is California going to get going if he's not down there taking care of business?" voter Rafael Bayardo said, noting, “though you’ve got to admire his ability to hold his breath underwater while killing great big fish with his bare hands.”

"I think as the head of the Republican Party, he should've been at the convention, quite frankly. He sure has disappointed a lot of those whores." voter Dalton Menhall said.

Others praised his decision to spend time with family.

"Oh yeah, he should be taking time with his family, especially if he has kids. And the shark-infested waters off of western Mexico is a great place to do it, actually," voter John Duncan said, adding, “I just hope that his kids are wearing life preservers and all that. Arnold can certainly handle swimming around with a diver’s knife clenched in his teeth, but a little girl or boy is what a full-grown tiger shark calls ‘lunch’. “

Sources within the Schwarzenegger administration said the governor never planned to attend the San Diego convention, noting that he will spend four days at the Republican National Convention in New York later this month. Observers noted that because the cock isn't a muscle, it doesn't grow in relation to the shoulders, say, or the pectorals, and can't be made bigger through exercise, that's for sure. As a result, while the governor is still very physically fit, he has only agreed to appear at the convention stripped to the waist. Recently, rumors of substantial testicular damage, due to years of steriod abuse while on the bodybuilding circuit, have been squashed by Sharon Stone, who described the gubernatorial teabag as a “cute little dingledy dangledy.”

"Well, he clearly doesn't want to spend his weekend with the people that are anti-robot security, anti-sexbot, anti-ferret, anti-steroids, anti-girls gone wild, anti-dr. phil, anti many of the very things he stands for," Democratic analyst Steve Maviglio said.

Schwarzenegger was scheduled to travel to New Mexico Monday for a border governor's conference and jackalope hunt.

RETURN OF FRANKENSTRAT

I took an early train home on Friday, a perfectly glorious afternoon, sunny with a pleasant breeze....so naturally I went indoors....did a couple of hours mixing some stuff in cubase, during which time I got tired of staring at the empty pickup slots on the frankenstrat. I also wanted to start using the whammy bar again. so what to do? I had set a hard & fast rule--no $$$ expenditures of any kind for this guitar....so I dug around and found the cover for the tremolo springs (I always leave it off my strats anyway, so I can do feedback stuff with the springs), screwed that down to the body, and glued my bridge/tailpiece stopper, the aforementioned sears can opener, down to the body. no special glue--just some elmer's I found in one of my old tool bins.

voila! the setup I did the other day is still doing pretty well, reasonably buzz-free, and intonation is pretty true. I don't usually go for the metalhead dive-bombing, but the guitar stays in tune pretty consistently even with some vigorous application of the whammy bar. I'll probably remove some springs, it has five in there now, probably go to three...and perhaps a heavier set of strings, go from .010 to .011, as the shorter tele scale makes for some rather slinky tension, or lack thereof. it's the little eddie van halen axe I always wanted, flat-out ugly and all spare parts, ready to gig...

GOODBYE NORMA JEAN

"5:45, August 5, 1962,
Marilyn's lying on her bed,
her face all turning blue...."

rest in peace, baby doll....

upon returning alive early

can't believe i live here

gary fucking snyder could sleep the whole night through here

can't believe i live here

BIRDS OF A FEATHER

Vietnam Poultry Industry to Receive $10M

Yngwie Malmsteen Sought for “Ill-Advised” Interactions with Bird Population

Associated Press

HANOI, Vietnam – Arnold Schwarzenegger announced Friday that he was prepared to give Vietnam a $10 million loan to help aid in the recovery of a poultry industry ravaged by bird flu.

Also Friday, China's Agriculture Ministry said that it had confirmed suspected cases of a deadly strain of the flu in birds in seven more locations, including the tiny hamlet of Peckersnuut, Sweden, hometown to world-renowned guitarist and bird-fancier, Yngwie Malmsteen.

Klaus Rohland, World Bank country director in Vietnam, said he is in discussions with Petland Discounts, the New York tri-state area’s largest discount pet store, and is hoping to make the aid available as early as May.

"We'd be focused on the economic recovery phase," he said. "Also, we’d like to discourage certain individuals from befouling the fowl," a thinly veiled reference to Mr. Malmsteen’s peculiar penchant for commingling with domesticated birds.

About 80 million chickens have been slaughtered across Asia, excluding China, to curb bird flu's spread, which the U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization has stated is a direct result of Mr. Malmsteen’s proclivity for engaging in the unusual practice of sexual asphyxiation with chickens and geese while on tour in Asian countries.

The human death toll on Friday stood at 19, all in Vietnam and Thailand.

The FAO warned that it still has not been controlled in several Asian countries.

"Cambodia, China, Indonesia and Laos continue to report new outbreaks in poultry," it said. “We implore Mr. Malmsteen to cease and desist with these activities. Perhaps the time has come for a new studio album?”

Chinese authorities in Shenzhen, a city in Guangdong bordering Hong Kong, have confirmed that bird flu killed black swans that recently died there, the statement said. Until now, most cases of bird flu have involved poultry and neo-classic metal fans, but bird reserves have been closed as a precaution, out of fears that Mr. Malmsteen or some of his fans might return, looking for a little tailfeather.

More than 34 million of Vietnam's 250 million poultry stock have already died or were destroyed in an effort to keep the epidemic from spreading further.

"I am a fan of Yngwie’s music, but I cannot condone these activities. If he were in California we would get him help, as we are now doing with Michael Jackson, but we honestly do not know where to find him. I am sending a fleet of robot sentinels, as we speak, to locate him and prevent him from violating any more birds," said Arnold Schwarzenegger, governor of California and co-sponsor of the new “Don’t Choke the Chicken” campaign being launched in the “Chinatown” neighborhoods of Los Angeles, San Francisco and San Diego.

Vietnam is losing $4 million a day as result of efforts to halt the spread of the virus, according to the institute's estimates.

The financial assistance, which would cover a 12-18 month period, would go toward direct compensation of other Swedish metal guitarists who have had to cancel tours because of visa problems related to Mr. Malmsteen’s recent buggery with birds along the Pacific Rim.

"It’s not their fault that they are being stereotyped as sexual deviants,” said Schwarzenegger. He went on to note that Michael Jackson’s recent legal issues did not prevent a contemporary of his, Prince, from performing to great acclaim at the recent Grammy Awards in Los Angeles.

The money also would be used to strengthen the national robot detection system in Vietnam, a personal cause celebre of Governor Schwarzenegger’s.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN...BUT HEY, NO RUSH...

They’re back.

Up to this point, I have managed to ignore most of the news stories concerning the upcoming Olympic games—the “scandals” surrounding payola & city/site selection (for the record, I’m anti-NYC as an Olympic city, but as you’ll soon learn, I’m basically anti-Olympics), the doping/steroids stories, etc. But now they’re here, and soon my neighbors and co-workers will be gathered into little bunny snuggles, discussing the finer points of beach volleyball, rhythmic gymnastics and the equestrian arts. Me? I’ll be secretly trying to use my time otherwise constructively, and will perfunctorily nod with a mute and glazed eyebrow-raise when someone asks me how much I enjoyed the balance beam competition last night. You might ask, why so disconnected? Why so negative? Is it because of the (select all that apply): 1972 Soviet basketball “upset” of US because of “unofficial” clock; 1972 assassination of Israeli athletes; 1980 withdrawal of US team because of Soviet invasion of Afghanistan; 1984 Soviet withdrawal because nothing improved; 1996 Atlanta bombing; 2002 ice skating doubles judging scandal; the introduction of professional athletes; bloated celebrities running with the torch…etc. etc. etc.

Hmmm, could be you’re on to something….but no, aside from these great watershed moments in human history, my objection to the “Olympiad” is more basic and practical: judges.

If a sport requires judges, I don’t call it a sport. Sure, it requires skill, it has rules, and it might even be fun to watch, but if you need a team of invisible beings to post “scores” afterward, I’m not interested. Ooh, look! Johnny Speedo dove in the water without making a splashy! Janey Cupcakes made a somersault! The list goes on….diving, gymnastics, ice skating…for the love of all that is holy and American, by all means let’s give these kids a hand for their dedication to synchronizing their swimming and so forth, but the real sports, those that involve actual live competition—winning a race or out-wrestling your opponent, consistently get the short end of the stick because NBC has to cut away to show us some Nordic stick figure skiing and shooting a rifle in the snow…..or it’s one of those excruciating Jim McKay “up close and personal” segments….”ooh, look, Olga Korbut lives in a house! Remarkable!”

So I hope that the games provide everyone who watches them a few moments of summer camp-like togetherness. And I pray that the legendary Greek indifference to security does not precipitate anything tragic. And if I can manage to figure out when they’ll be showing the boxing, I might even attempt to navigate around the miasma of Bob Costas, but otherwise, I hope to be out on the porch with a bug zapper and a good book…..

THE DELUSIONS OF ARNOLD (PART OF A SERIES)

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger has officially launched his bid for the White House, vowing to continue defending America against the evil alien robot hordes, and to never lie down with a man. This startling turn of events surprised most of those in attendance, who had expected to nominate John Kerry at the gathering in Boston.

“I was young and foolish once too,” remarked the ‘governator’ in an unexpectedly candid set of comments from a national candidate. “I wanted to experiment. I enjoyed the feeling of a silk undergarment against my cool smooth man skin. But I have learned that this is wrong. I have learned to accept the touch of a woman. From the Shriverbot.”

Accepting the nomination as Democratic presidential candidate yesterday, Governor Schwarzenegger said he would use force when required but America would only go to war "if I say so", never "just because some countries have nuclear families or things of this nature".

"I will be a commander in chief who will lead us into a war against the flabby ones," he told 20,000 cheering party members at the finale of the four-day Democratic National Convention.

"As president, I will wage this war with the lessons I learned in the gym.

"Only lift what you are capable of. And get a spotter."

In a charming yet telling gaffe, he described November 2 as "the most important erection of my lifetime", and essentially called on others to move the White House to Beverly Hills.

“It is a very old building. I think the American people want their President to have a high-rise, like a Trump Tower, or maybe a waterfront property, and I have some great land in Malibu. It is in California.”

He mocked his opponents for saying that he sees too many complexities in issues.

"I do, because some issues just aren't worthy of my time. I am busy with my life coach, my training regimen, my daily enema, and things of this nature," he said.

"Saying there are problems in the world doesn't make it so. Saying we can greenlight a movie on the cheap doesn't make it so. And proclaiming that Lindsay Lohan is a “major star” certainly doesn't make it so," he said.

The speech was punctuated by the rallying cry "death to the robots".

"I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger and I'm reporting for duty," he began. He ended 50 minutes later with lasers shooting from his eyeballs and 100,000 sexbots cavorting on a water slide amid scenes of jubilation and dancing.

Watched on TV by an estimated 25 million, it was his chance to convince people he is tough and wise enough to lead and not a muscle-bound idiot, as President George W. Bush says he is.

"In these dangerous days there is a right way and a wrong way to be strong," he said.

"Strength is more than tough words. We need to make America once again a feared enemy to the evil robots who threaten to take over the world. We need to be looked at by cameras, by children, and by Americen women with the thin ankles, not just feared.

"We need to clean our swimming pools, and rededicate ourselves to a soy-based diet, so we can get lean muscle mass before the flesh-eating robot hordes descend once again to prey upon the weak. With confidence and determination, we will be able to do this. 'You will lose and we will win."'

But should America be at real risk, no one, including allies or the UN, would stop him from acting in a blockbuster summer movie.

"Any attack will be met with a swift and certain response. I will never give any nation or international institution a veto over my artistic integrity," he said.

His wife, Maria, would be embraced by the people as their First Ladytron and synthetic mother figure, or “Shriverbot”, a term of endearment that has puzzled even some of those close to the couple.

"She has the strongest thigh muscles of anyone I know. She's down to earth, nurturing, courageous, wise and smart. She speaks her mind and can break any enemy code. I love her for that, and for her ability to levitate heavy objects with her mind."

He hit out at the rednecks and conservatives who label as unpatriotic those who question the Bush Administration.

"Before wrapping themselves in the flag and shutting their eyes and ears to the truth, they should remember how I saved Tennessee last year from annihilation at the hands of Megatrox, the evil robot overlord.

"When Americans stand up and speak their minds and say America can do better, that is not a challenge to patriotism, it is a call to dedicate themselves, to fitness and wheat-based cooking substitutes."

Governor Schwarzenegger took a shot at Mr Bush's faith-based policy-making, which the President cites when refusing to lift stem-cell research restrictions. Governor Schwarzenegger said he would never wear his faith on his sleeve.

"I don't want to claim God is on our side. There is no God. There is only Discipline, and Punishment," he said.

I HATE MUSIC

Once again, O faithful reader, yours truly has opined with a slightly looser leash on the larynx than a more prudent commentator might have ventured. And for that, a price has been paid. A chapter has been closed. A proud ego has been bruised. A gentlemanly countenance has been offended. And though it is doubtful that sabers will be brandished at dawn, a timorous waistcoated chorister has seen fit to swat a lambskin glove across my bowsprit.

The gig is off.

Let's rock.

GOODBYE TO ALL THAT

In the grand tradition of the "farewell tour" and other rock n roll cliches, Radio Ghost Town will be playing its final gig with my involvement this Friday night.

Say it ain't so! ...you might be saying this, and who could blame you for mourning the demise of yet another fine assemblage of electric guitar/bass alchemists...who could blame you? well for starters, I could blame you, and I do. Where you been? We've been playing NYC clubs regularly for the past few months, and the crowds have gotten smaller and smaller....not that RGT was much of an exciting live act, but it's true that the scene in NYC is not what it once was. so the band will soldier on without us, good luck to them......

But I ain't cryin'....this country & western junk gets pretty tiresome in rather short order, and lacking a charismatic grandiosity in performance, the returns on investment quickly grew thin.

it's fun to think about what the next project will be.....

meanwhile, any interested parties can go ahead and download the entire "Heartache & Whisky" sessions from the www.radioghosttown.com web site (just click on "No Hard Feelings" in my links)...one would assume that the long-awaited debut album has been shelved due to lack of interest....

see y'all Friday night! NOT!!!

FRANKENSTRAT!!!

...what do you do with an old 90s bargain model charvel strat with cheapo components, a defunct floyd rose whammy bar system, and a body that's been chipped up and scratched from several ill-advised attempts to cram mismatched pickups into the pre-routed cavities? [I have chosen to keep it simple this time and just leave them empty; perhaps a small pickguard to cover up this ugliness later on, perhaps not]

well now, you grab an old leftover tele neck which you just replaced on another guitar, bolt it to the strat body, block off the floating bridge with an old paint roller cleaner/can opener oddball tool from the bottom of your toolbox, and slap some strings on it! if it turns out that the neck doesn't even need any truss rod adjustment, and the guitar plays pretty well with just a few bridge saddle adjustments, then just chalk it up to luck....

it does sound and play pretty well. the humbucker is a duncan JB trembucker that's about ten years old, battle-worn and shows it, from many gigs and overnights in dingy sub-basements....sounds good though, especially with dirty-sounding marshall/boogie sort of amp tones....the maple slab definitely introduces a bit of spank and sparkle to the attack, while the previous neck, though highly playable (in the wide/shallow contour so popular 10-15 years ago, and I suppose still is for metal/shredder types), did not emphasize this particularly (also, and this is purely psychological, it had one of those pointy-ended headstocks which calls to mind such aesthetic blank spots as metallica, spandex metal, and so forth--I always hated it).

so it's a 'dark pickup + bright wood' tone formula, and if I can resolve the can opener/trem block component to something more permanent, either by gluing it down or using something else that is held down by more than pressure from the trem springs, then I can actually use the whammy bar. the locking nut has long since been put out to pasture. I never could get the hang of adjusting those, and it was a drag having to pull out all those allen wrenches just to change a set of strings....

the "caprice classic" nameplate is real. I found it in the gutter of houston street in the early 90s, while that block was still home to the knitting factory, near what was my former band's rehearsal space (262 Mott), co-tenants with such minor rock celebs as helmet and yes, the spin doctors...more recent lessees have included sonic youth & the beasties....my family did indeed have a chevy caprice station wagon growing up, and ironically enough, I've managed to get a ridiculous amount of mileage out of this particular vehicle as well....

next up: a minor bit of crucial restoration work to my all-original 1974 LP Custom...putting the original bridge pickup back in, with some cleaning and intonation checking. it's been a while since it got some TLC.....I'll post pics after it's finished....