avast! ye evildoers ~ ~ pclef.net

THE CONSUMER GUIDE (CECIL THE PUG DISCOVERS BRITPOP)

...is that a chew toy in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?...

HAVE YOU EVER listened to an album, and every song sounds exactly the same, and every one of those same-sounding songs is above average? Inspired by adequacy? Well, look no further, esteemed readership! Seemingly straight from the cookie cutter, Keane's "Under the Iron Sea" is Radiohead without all the lazy eye stubbleface blippity bleeps. That's right, I said blippity bleeps. Try to stay with me here...

One wonders, just who is this "Keane" person? Is his singular sobriquet a harbinger of greatness, like Cher, or Liberace, or Charo? It's a pretty tenor voice, I'll grant him that, capable of hitting some of those high notes that typically bring my kind running for the nearest fire hydrant. His music makes me want to prowl the mean streets and back alleys once more, sniffing out a young bitch in heat to create the world's very first sitcom-worthy pug lassie. I've been marking territory all day, listening to this thing. Honestly. But I digress...

So, what the heck. Let's head into the weekend dandling this (quasi-) endorsement...I normally don't go for stuff with "artistic merit" but I can see that this precocious little platter is going to be moving some units with the ill-advised facial hair crowd. And how. The sky's the limit for these here hoppity hipsters. Now if they can just keep their eyes on the prize and their feet on the ground, maybe get to work on a romance with an up-and-coming hollywood actress, or perhaps a high-profile collaboration--hey! Tony Bennett is doing duets now! And he's never heard of them! B! I! N! G! O! Then again, they're British....B+

...

CANNON FODDER

...movie still from "All Quiet On The Western Front" (1930)...

If you're a high school student, or if you have one in your family, or even if you have a kid in your family who will soon be a teenager, you might avail yourself of the information to be found here and here...

...

ETC.

my sweet old etcetera

my sweet old etcetera
aunt lucy during the recent

war could and what
is more did tell you just
what everybody was fighting

for,
my sister

isabel created hundreds
(and
hundreds) of socks not to
mention shirts fleaproof earwarmers

etcetera wristers etcetera, my

mother hoped that

i would die etcetera
bravely of course my father used
to become hoarse talking about how it was
a privilege and if only he
could meanwhile my

self etcetera lay quietly
in the deep mud et

cetera
(dreaming,
et
cetera, of
Your smile
eyes knees and of your Etcetera)

--E.E. Cummings (1926)

...

PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN...

...IGNORE HIM!!!

AND WATCH THIS!!!

...

POPE WILL EAT ITSELF

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know
peace.
-Jimi Hendrix (1942-1970)

Fortune does not change men, it unmasks them.
-Suzanne Necker (1739-1794)

I found one day in school a boy of medium size ill-treating a smaller boy. I expostulated, but he replied: 'The bigs hit me, so I hit the babies; that's fair.' In these words he epitomized the history of the human race.
-Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider god-fearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side.
-Aristotle (384-322 BCE)

History teaches that grave threats to liberty often come in times of
urgency, when constitutional rights seem too extravagant to endure.
-Thurgood Marshall, US Supreme Court Justice (1908-1993)

Ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can
have.
-James Baldwin (1924-1987)

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. It it were
merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
-E.B. White (1899-1985)

The trade of governing has always been monopolized by the most ignorant
and the most rascally individuals of mankind.
-Thomas Paine (1737-1809)

Whenever morality is based on theology, whenever right is made dependent on divine authority, the most immoral, unjust, infamous things can be justified and established.
-Ludwig Feuerbach (1804-1872)

You do not examine legislation in the light of the benefits it will convey if properly administered, but in the light of the wrongs it would do and the harms it would cause if improperly administered.
-Lyndon B. Johnson (1908-1973)

The man who prefers his country before any other duty shows the same spirit as the man who surrenders every right to the state. They both deny that right is superior to authority.
-Lord Acton (1834-1902)

A myth is a fixed way of looking at the world which cannot be destroyed because, looked at through the myth, all evidence supports the myth.
-Edward De Bono (1933- )

“There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world, and those who don’t.”
-Robert Benchley (1889-1945)

I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth.
--Carl Sandburg (1878-1967)

...

WORD OF THE DAY

This week's theme: words related to pirates.

avast (uh-VAST) interjection

Stop (used as a command to stop or desist).

[From Dutch hou vast (hold fast), from houd vast.]

...

TEEN BABES FROM MONSANTO

...so what if they made a glam/punk/garage classic at age 12? who hasn't?...

...I have this album memorized, note-for-note, word-for-word...why? because it fucking rocks...

tonight. @irving plaza. the great REDD KROSS.....

THIS JUST IN: WANT TO GO? I HAVE AN EXTRA TICKET!!! IF YOU WANT IT, EMAIL ME (CLICK THE "EMAIL" LINK--BENEATH STRATCAT PICTURE/ABOVE LINKS--IN RIGHTHAND COLUMN)...
...

WE PLAY TODAY WE WIN TODAY

...how sweet it is...

THEEEEEEEEEEEEEE....YANKEEEEEEEES....WINNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

...

THY NAME IS WOMAN

...famed as a riveting conversationalist...

That's Sophia Loren, of course, in 1955. She turns 72 today, which would make her about 21 years old in that shot.

Here's how hot she was back then: her fling with Cary Grant resulted in him getting the broken heart...

Sidebar: perhaps the widespread adoption of flip-flops, toe jewelry and baggy jeans is less than ideal? I'm just saying: fishnet stockings and high heels? Works for me...

Happy Birthday Sophia.

...

THE CONSUMER GUIDE (WITH CECIL THE PUG)

...whose butt do I have to sniff around here to get some kibble?...

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY. Two weeks ago, I was the first to step into the void of the post-Christgau era and provide a consistent continuum of incisive, insightful, and much-needed commentary on the world of recorded music, and now that I'm an established icon in the business, people are always dropping off CD's and tapes for me to listen to. I usually just chuck out the tapes -- it's no use trying to work a cassette machine with these paws of mine -- but I do try and get to as many of the CDs as I possible can.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

Here's a little platter that was left next to my water bowl: John McLaughlin with Elvin Jones and Joey De Francesco, called "After the Rain." Now I'm a big fan of this time of day, as it presents a rare opportunity to mark one's territory anew, and the slippery ground makes it more fun to chase cats, if that's your thing...

So, initially, I was receptive. And sure, it's got an old-timey organ vibe going on, with some tasty "jazz" drumming, I guess you'd call it, and some flashy guitar playing. Most of the songs were written by someone called John Coltrane, but I don't think he showed up for the session, just wrote the music. And perhaps his absence might account for the one really big flaw that I have with this album--no singing. I mean, c'mon! NO SINGING. I don't know how you can expect to move any kind of unit volume without words & to go with the music...but. oh. no. not. words. just. music. what? too cheap to hire someone? Did this Coltrane person decide to write songs without any words? No wonder there's so much guitar & organ "filler"...these guys were clearly doing their best to keep the vibe going while waiting for the singer (paging Mr. Coltrane!) to show up! But he never does!

So, kudos to Messr's McLaughlin, Jones, and De Francesco for doing their best--there's certainly some very tasty playing going on, but here's some advice for the next time: go the extra mile and get someone in to overdub the vocals! I mean, duh! You're not going to make a hit record this way. Not that I'm completely convinced that any of these songs are hooky enough to break through, but with this approach, we'll never know....F

...

FOOTBALL BEEN BEDDY BEDDY GOOD TO ME

Today’s post involves the recent debate between Sen. George “Macaca” Allen and his challenger, James Webb, on “Meet the Press” with Tim “Moving On” Russert. We were particularly impressed with Senator Allen’s performance, so we’re going to focus on that part exclusively. Mr. Webb had some compelling points to make, but c’mon, it’s Virginia, his last name is Allen. The fix is in. So, as a service to our readers, so as to ease consumption of an hour-long debate for you fast-moving mover/shakers, we’ve tweazed out just the good bits from Senator Allen’s whimsical prosody and profound exclamatories, distilling their essence, herewith:

MR. RUSSERT: According to The Virginian-Pilot, Senator Allen, “[Webb] says he became disillusioned with Allen several years ago when he personally warned the senator of the perils of invading Iraq. ‘The only thing I got out of him was, basically, “You’re asking me to be disloyal to the president.”’” Is that what you said to Mr. Webb?

SEN. ALLEN: Tim, on September 11, I hugged a widow.

MR. RUSSERT: But let me ask you a simple question. If the CIA said in 2003, “Saddam does not have weapons of mass destruction. That is now our—the finding,” would you still have voted to go to war?

SEN. ALLEN: You can’t say, “Gosh,” five years later.

MR. RUSSERT: Senator Allen, let me, let me just show you The Washington Times op-ed piece that you wrote in January of ‘05, and here’s the headline: “Stay the course.” What does that mean? How do you define victory in Iraq, and can it be won militarily?

SEN. ALLEN: Military and security aspects of it are absolutely essential. And they do want a country that does have respect for, for...

MR. RUSSERT: Let, let me show you a map of Iraq, and there on the west is Anbar Province. And this is what the Marine Corps has said about Anbar Province. “The chief of intelligence for the Marine Corps in Iraq recently filed an unusual secret report concluding that the prospects for securing that country’s western Anbar province are dim and that there is almost nothing the U.S. military can do to improve the political and social situation there, said several military officers and intelligence officials familiar with its contents.” That’s the military talking. What do we do? Do we seek a, seek a diplomatic solution, or stay the course militarily for years and years and years?

SEN. ALLEN: Anbar was always difficult to govern. The focus now is on the Baghdad area.

RUSSERT: They end, “We need substantially more troops in Iraq. Sending them would be a courageous act of presidential leadership appropriate to the crisis we face.” Would you be in favor of putting more troops in Iraq, more American troops?

SEN. ALLEN: That is actually happening right now.

MR. RUSSERT: This was the picture on Tuesday when the prime minister of Iraq went to Iran. There he is, meeting, hugging, kissing, the president of Iran. The speaker of the Iraqi parliament, the Dennis Hastert of Iraq, this is what he said, “The speaker of [the Iraqi] parliament accused ‘Jews’ of financing acts of violence in Iraq in order to discredit Islamists who control the parliament and government so they can install their ‘agents’ in power. ... “‘Some people say, “We saw you beheading, kidnapping and killing,”’ said the speaker. ‘These acts are not the work of Iraqis. I am sure that he who does this is a Jew and the son of a Jew. I can tell you about these Jewish, Israelis and Zionists who are using Iraqi money and oil to frustrate the Islamic movement in Iraq. ... No one deserves to rule Iraq other than Islamists.’” That’s the speaker of the parliament. Have we created a fundamentalist Islamic regime in Iraq?

SEN. ALLEN: No, we have not. It is like an infant. We’re trying to help them learn and just normal things, like procurement and budgets. The key for that country, for their economy is oil.

MR. RUSSERT: My question is $300 billion in Iraq. Could it have been better spent?

SEN. ALLEN: The question is: where do we go from now?

MR. RUSSERT: All right. Then let me move on to a different issue. Senator Allen, this week you have to cast a vote. Senator John Warner, John McCain, Lindsey Graham, but your senior colleague in Virginia, John Warner, has a view about interrogating and prosecuting enemy combatants. It is different than George W. Bush. Will you vote for Senator Warner or for President Bush?

SEN. ALLEN: I’m going to make a determination once I get some more facts. Some of these techniques have been very helpful to us, whether, whether they are sleep deprivation, or whether there’s loud music. And I need to be absolutely certain that what the interrogations—interrogators are doing now—which is completely fine as far as I’m concerned, protecting Americans—will not be harmed by the proposal.

MR. RUSSERT: You know, your critics say that you voted with George Bush 96 percent of the time your five years in the Senate. This time, would you vote for Senator Warner, or President Bush?

SEN. ALLEN: I think there can be changes. I actually look forward to taking action, to be a bridge—a bridge between these two proposals, which all have as the same purpose.

MR. RUSSERT: Do you agree with Secretary Colin Powell that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism?

SEN. ALLEN: I’m not saying I disagree, I’d just use a different point of view.

MR. RUSSERT: Senator Allen, you, too, have gotten in trouble with words that you’ve uttered. Let me bring you back to August 11th. You were at a campaign stop, and a young man who was videotaping it for the Webb campaign was there also. [videotape of ‘macaca’ incident] Critics say that “macaca” is a racist slur, and that you used it because he was dark-skinned. What did you specifically mean when you said, “Welcome to America and the real Virginia”? Why did you use those words toward a dark-skinned American? Well, where’d the word come from? It must’ve been in your consciousness.

SEN. ALLEN: Oh, it’s just made up. Just made up. Made-up word. Never heard it before.

SEN. ALLEN: MR. RUSSERT: What did you mean... “Welcome to America, welcome to the real Virginia”?

SEN. ALLEN: We were going to small towns and rural areas.

MR. RUSSERT: The New York Times said, “In 1984, as a member of the Virginia House of Delegates, Mr. Allen opposed a state holiday honoring the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. After being elected governor in 1993, he issued a proclamation honoring Confederate History Month.” And the Associated Press says, “Allen used to keep a Confederate flag in his living room, a noose in his law office and a picture of Confederate troops in his governor’s office.” Can you imagine black Americans, black Virginians reading that? What would they be thinking about George Allen, and why did you do that?

SEN. ALLEN: I grew up in a football family, as you well know.

MR. RUSSERT: So no more, no more Confederate flags?

SEN. ALLEN: The Confederate flag—as, as a kid, I was rebellious, anti-establishment, I still am. And I looked at the flag as a symbol for that.
MR. RUSSERT: But you were governor.
SEN. ALLEN: I would never want to have that image or, or harmful impact on fellow human beings who I want to make sure are part of team America.

MR. RUSSERT: You chew tobacco. Is that the right image for young people? It’s a serious question.

SEN. ALLEN: I picked that up from the Chicago Bears training camp.

Editorial note: Senator Allen was born and raised in southern (Whittier) California. Neither he nor his family are native to Virginia. He did not grow up there.

...

CHOMPERS THE MEDIA SAVVY SQUIRREL

...Let's make this quick...I need to get back to stuffing my cheeks with acorns...

That's right America, once again I'm here to give you some perspective on what's been going on. Don't worry--you won't have to do much of anything, just pay attention for a few minutes. Then you all can go back to your SUVs, gorge yourselves on mcnuggets and fall asleep in front of a "touched by an angel" rerun...

Congressman John Murtha submitted a valiant yet hopeless resolution to shitcan Donald "Squinty" Rumsfeld:

"Therefore, be it resolved that --------

It is the sense of the Congress that, for the good of the country, the United States of America must restore credibility both at home and abroad and that the first step toward restoring that credibility must be to demonstrate accountability for the mistakes that have been made in prosecuting the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq by immediately effecting the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and replacing him with someone capable of leading the nation's military in a strategy to resolve our deployment in Iraq, prevent regression in Afghanistan, reconstitute our military readiness, and refocus on the threats to national security posed by diffuse and proliferating terrorist cells as well as belligerent states."

Nice try. Meanwhile, the President of the United States is going to spend some quality time with the leader of Kazakhstan, discussing a recent project by Ali G:

"
Bush to Placate Kazakhstan's Leader over 'Borat' Outrage
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
HOLLYWOOD - British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's comic creation Borat Sagdiyev has caused so much outrage in Kazakhstan with his new movie, President George W. Bush will address the issue when he meets the Kazakh leader.

He joked, "Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hats and age of consent has been raised to eight years old."
"

Does he really think that our President has the power to censor artistic work, or prevent it from being distributed? What gave him that idea? And since Mr. Cohen is a British citizen, does Bush have any influence whatsoever? Especially since he's so beloved in Hollywood ... conclusion: everything said by Borat is actually, literally, true.

meanwhile, internet rumors are swirling about an alleged romance between Sec/State Condi Rice and Canada Foreign Secretary Peter Mackay...

..."love your shoes"...

Weird. Chompers always had her pegged as a lesbian...or even, perhaps, a "celibate" type person...

Chompers will continue to maintain the postion that shows involving dance competitions are stupid and wrong, even if members of his own family insist on tuning in...in so doing, they were recently horrified and traumatized by the unfunky hips of America's Whitest Man:

did anybody actually think that this guy could dance????

News from the Great Idiot Box:

HBO's "The Wire" premiered its new season. Slate thinks it's the best tv show. ever. Chompers is of the opinion that it's the best tv show - right now. Which is rather akin to being the tallest man at the midget olympics. still, if you haven't seen it, you ought to. It truly transcends its medium. And with the probable demise of "Deadwood," it represents the single remaining reason to subscribe to HBO.

and oh yes, 9/11....

..."you see matt, the only way to keep america safe is to turn it into a state sponsor of torture"...

...I'M RICH!!! I'M RICH!!!...

Thus disburdened, I, Chompers, return to my foraging. Isn't it time to refill the bird feeder?

....

DANCING ABOUT ARCHITECTURE

...the one and only...

the fender stratocaster consists of three single-coil pickups, a body made of alder (sometimes ash), a maple neck with either rosewood or maple fretboard, and a bridge mechanism that is connected to several springs that bring it back to correct pitch whenever the tremolo bar is raised or depressed.

simple. right?

ok, go ahead and toss your guitar plectrum. chuck it. then set your stratocaster bridge so that it can alternatively raise or lower the pitch of the note, and work the whammy bar and volume pot so that notes and pitches of notes emerge from the amplifier with varying degrees of attack and brightness...visually, no one will be able to observe the physical connection between your fingers and the guitar strings, so it will seem as if the notes are emerging of their own volition from the guitar, as you pace the stage of the hammerstein ballroom, grinning and mugging at the drum pyrotechnics of vinnie colaiuta.

That is to say: I cannot possibly conjure last night's Jeff Beck concert in language adequate to the event--nay--the experience, of watching him play the guitar. He is the ultimate sensei of stratocaster into marshall (and last night, a couple of fender amps too). so let me just plant my flag in the ground right now: he's the best. for all you nabobs who argue over your top 100 lists, your best-of's, you yngwie fanciers, you lemmings of satriani, you aficionados of the sleep-inducing eric johnson albums, you fellow travelers of the great blues masturbator eric clapton, even you bedroom tappers in the fallow tradition of edward van halen, they ain't got a blessed thing on my man Jeff.

...of course that's the great mick waller, but who are those other three guys?...

...

TRUTH

...tonight, 8pm, Hammerstein Ballroom...

...

TO THE FIVE BOROUGHS

...

Defenceless under the night
Our world in stupor lies;
Yet, dotted everywhere,
Ironic points of light
Flash out wherever the Just
Exchange their messages:
May I, composed like them
Of Eros and of dust,
Beleaguered by the same
Negation and despair,
Show an affirming flame.

-- W.H. Auden

...

O THANK HEAVEN FOR NINE-ELEVEN

Hey Gang....guess who's back? That's right, Mr. Paul Williams just dropped in for a donut and a hot toddy...how's it going Paul?

...every summer sun that has passed our way serves to light every day and in time will stay like a golden ghost in our mind...

well said. so it seems that the whole country is getting their nurples into a bunch over this week's 5-year anniversary of the events of September 11, 2001. Do you have any special thoughts to share on this topic?

...bless this day with open hearts, kindness, caring, that’s where it starts, give peace a chance wisemen sing, wisemen say and when you believe, you bless this day...

Sweet. Have you heard about the special 9/11 movie scheduled to air on ABC this weekend? There is a lot of discussion going on over its disputed factual accuracy. Are you planning on watching it?

No.

Me neither. What about the President's speech? He's giving a speech on the anniversary, in prime time. And of course his handlers are saying that the timing isn't politically motivated. What do you think?

...go to hell after dark, it's a sin filled city, an amusement park, it's a one way ticket to the other side, it's a Dr. Jekyll and a Mr. Hyde...

Indeed. Another recent anniversary was the one-year mark since Hurricane Katrina. Your thoughts?

...you refused to stop and ask directions, it was almost guaranteed we'd end up lost, dressing up in hand me down perfection, couldn't pay the bill so never mind the cost...

I know how these interviews tax you emotionally, given your large heart and need to emote, so we'll end it here. But first, any big plans for the weekend?

...would you like to run away where the grass is tall and summer's in the air? just let me take you there...we can try to find a hideaway where the rain is warm and happiness is free, if you will go with me...

That's it. I'm packing my bags....ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Williams!!!

...

THE CONSUMER GUIDE

...in order to fill the market position vacated by "Dean of American Music Critics" Robert Christgau, who was fired this week by the Village Voice, we are delighted to be the exclusive publisher of the work of legendary music industry pundit and tastemaker, Cecil the Pug, who also happens to have his own "consumer guide"...

Let's get right to it then, shall we?

Jessica Simpson “A Public Affair” FIVE STARS!!! INSTANT CLASSIC!!! Really, I can’t praise this album enough—the marketing, the demographic targeting, the hair styling, the cleavage, the slickness of the video package—it all adds up to big units….Gold! Platinum! Double-platinum!! Sky’s the limit! This is a true artist. By neatly juxtaposing a high-profile divorce alongside her feature film debut in the tragically overlooked “Dukes of Hazzard” (shoulda been automatic nom for best pic), she set the stage perfectly. And in the past week alone, she’s been linked romantically to both John Mayer AND Dane Cook. The water rolls right off this girlie’s back and she keeps right on chirping in a special Labor Day Weekend/Today Show appearance! Confidential to JS: why not nail that Carson Daly fellow and complete the trifecta? A+++

Bob Dylan “Modern Times” SURE HE’S GOT NAME RECOGNITION…but will that overcome the dreary songs and old man croaky voice? Still, he was shrewd enough to cast Scarlett Johansson in his video! That will definitely bring in some numbers (no wonder they call him a 'genius'). Oh Scarlett, you succulent strumpet! If only you had a singing voice! As if we need additional reasons to download you…Mr. Dylan, time for another Victoria’s Secret commercial, except this time just send music! Personal appearance not required! Ha ha!! B-

The New Pornographers “Twin Cinema”…TWO WORDS: CHANGE THE NAME…I mean, c’mon! It’s bad enough that this lot hail from Canada, land of the 60-second celebrity (paging Celine Dion), but do you think there’s a Wal-Mart in Bush America that’s going to keep this in its inventory? Fat chance. Jesus don’t dig on the porno. Sorry hockey pucks. And with that, so goes any chance of even dreaming of top 50 status. Just a simple fact. Great albums are $old, not admired from distant points in North America. Alas, no single. They’re not playing the game. Just like Canadians: get a big break, and blow it. In fact, I can’t give you one good reason why I’m even reviewing this. It’s never going to get on MTV, so you’ll never hear it anyway. Never mind. D+

The Little Willies “The Little Willies” …..I DON’T GET IT…I see good things here—Norah Jones is a proven multi-platinum artist, and an Elvis Presley cover is never a bad idea, as the King moved beaucoup units back in the day…so why are half the songs performed by this Richard Julian guy? Who is he? I’ve never seen him on Entertainment Tonight! Gimme a break! What is that? Are they Canadian too? Great start, but poor execution and no discernable radio market niche spells trouble…tell you what: make a video featuring some down-blouse piano bench cleavage, fire the Julian guy, and put out a single, preferably a dance mix with a cameo from Outkast, and we’ll talk. C

...

A NOTE OF APOLOGY FROM A SMITTEN RAY

...my one and only love...

It can take years to find one's perfect soulmate, that special person who completes your sentences, knows your inner thoughts, and causes you to blossom sexually. Well, for me it happened the first time I laid eye on Gungi, pearl diving around my coral reef. What can I say? It was love at first sight.

So anyway, I'm real sorry about killing that "crikey" guy. But you have to understand that to an underwater creature, the pale pudgy ones are nearly always there for one reason only: kill for sport. Either that, or they throw you into a net and you wind up in a tank surrounded by screaming kids. Take me away from my Gungi? Make me a sideshow for the shark tank? Or poke some guy with my tail? It was a pretty easy decision.

Sorry Crikey.

...